Election night in America is coming up fast and, well, no one is happy about choosing between a kick in the face or a kick in the balls. The past few months of building anxiety, fights, un-friending, and straight up arson are finally going to be released and then, hopefully, we can forget the whole thing ever happened.
In the meantime, no one wants to be alone on the night one of the most unpopular people in the world is elected president and you definitely don’t want to be sober. Going out to a bar will provide unwelcome interactions with strangers, who will probably become weird and violent as the night goes on. Therefore, an election night cocktail party is in order.
1. Provide Cocktails and Lots of Them
While it’s true that sober people tend to be more civil, this situation is different. Sober people on election night will be tense and pissy, so help everyone relax with cocktails. Since everyone needs to be kept supplied with cocktails, I’m going to suggest not going the route of making cocktails to order (blasphemy, I know). Instead, go the route of punchbowls and pitchers. Keep backup wine and beers in case things get desperate.
This being a cocktail recipe website, I modified my Amethyst Lavender Martini into an easy to make punchbowl. Simply mix 2 cups vodka, 1 cup Lavender Syrup, 1 packet Lemonade Kool-Aid, 1/2 cup sugar, and 3 cups water. I picked the lavender martini, because in a battle between red and blue, purple signifies a coming together, which leads to…
Look, everyone has an opinion on this election. And everyone thinks the opinion not their own will lead to the apocalypse. And everyone has a really hard time keeping these opinions to themselves because it’s IMPORTANT DENISE, S/HE WILL GET US ALL KILLED!
I know this, you know this, people who have literally been living under rocks know this. But it’s over, you’ve voted, there’s no more need to pointlessly and loudly argue about who’s going to get everyone killed by Mexicans or Russians or whatever.
Your job is to be Switzerland, sweet, sweet neutral Switzerland.
3. Maintain Neutrality Through Diligent Research
Two of the “fun” things about this election has been a) People/brands/newspapers/wildlife who have never take sides in politics before have taken sides and b) Everything the campaigns have brought up, eaten, touched, pissed on, etc. now becomes an endorsement for said political party.
This means even having a simple bowl of Skittles out will spark a raging debate about immigration and offering Tic Tacs can be seen as an endorsement of rape culture (what a fun time to be alive!).
So before you buy that case of beer, remember Yuengling is not a bi-partisan beer and before you pick your vodka, remember Stoli means you’re pro-Russian terrorism. Hide any sort of news publication and it’s probably best to avoid nachos, tacos, or really any excuse for someone to make an “hombre” or “wall” joke.
4. Carefully Curate Your Music Selection
Avoid music that might excite your guests in an unhealthy way. Anything with “rage”, “fight”, “burn”, etc. should be avoided at all costs. Dance music is an option that can provide guests a way to burn off some pent up anxiety, just make sure it’s one of those dance songs that only repeat some variation of “dance”, “club”, “floor”, or “party people” over and over. The dance songs about living like there’s no tomorrow might only depress people.
If things get a little to heated in the room, “Why Can’t We Be Friends” and “Three Little Birds”. It’s hard to be angry when Bob Marley is telling you not to worry about a thing. Speaking of Bob Marley…
5. States With Legal Marijuana: I Think You Know What To Do
While I would never suggest or condone illegal drug use (and not just because of legal liability issues, I swear), the residents of states that have legal recreational marijuana should responsibly partake.
Instead of arguing about specific political issues people will blow each other’s minds with such deep thoughts as “If everyone just lived as a chill person, we wouldn’t even need a president” and “All we did was write on pieces of paper and those pieces of paper say who’s president…we’re all just ruled by pieces of paper.”
This will also require you to buy extra chips and cheese dip (Just not salsa con queso, see #3).
6. Set Up a Cool Off Room
If people start to get a little heated and overwhelmed by, well, everything and anything the news coverage includes on election night, have a cool off room ready. This room should have nothing election related in them.
Use soft lighting and calming ambient sounds/music. Provide access to guided meditation tapes. Have a scent diffuser giving off calming lavender aromas. Provide a pot of chamomile tea and wildflower honey to help your guests relax. Once they are nice and calm, they can rejoin the hellish pit of nightmare shit that this election has been.
7. Provide Foam Bats
Okay, despite your best efforts, Trish and Carl are just going apeshit on each other and are now screaming something about Benghazi at each other. They need an outlet for their anger, and words are only adding to it.
Enter: Foam Bats! Inform them they can no longer talk to each other, but encourage them to start just wailing on each with safe non-harmful bats. This should at least cool them off enough for them to recognize they should probably stop interacting with each other for a while, or perhaps spend a minute in the cool off rooms.
Plus bats are fun for any cocktail party, not just an election night cocktail party.
Reminders of Tomorrow
This whole ordeal has been exhausting, full of shouting, no one feels like they’re being listened to, and everyone is left feeling unsatisfied. Much like sex with my ex-boyfriend. And like that relationship, this will also be part of the past. We can learn from the mistakes we made and make sure we work towards being happy for the future.
Just be to sure to have some aspirin, because this hangover’s gonna be a bitch!
If you like this article on how to throw a successful election night cocktail party please share and tell me about it in the comments! The comment section is right below these small ads that help me keep this site afloat.