If gin could make me look younger, I’d have the appearance of a 12-year-old. As it is, I merely act like a hormonal preteen after a fifth of gin while still looking very much like every one of my 30 odd years and then some. Fortunately, a couple intrepid gin makers have found a way to prey on alcoholic cougars everywhere while providing the ineffective supplements and condescension today’s modern women crave.
The “visionaries” behind CollaGin (ugh), the founders of Young In Spirit (ugh) Liz and Camilla, claim their product gives you a youthful appearance thanks to the addition of collagen into their …ugh… CollaGin (see what they did there?). To really cover all their bases, they doubled down and also claim all the rather dubious benefits gin lovers already claim (gin can’t do anything a good herbal tea or supplement won’t do more efficiently and without the health risks associated with excessive alcohol intake).
So how does this fifth of youth supposedly work? Magic and dreams basically, but also with an oral dose of collagen. Now, studies do show that ingesting collagen can repair skin elasticity and provide a more youthful complexion. Because collagen is an honest-to-god supplement handy dosage guides are readily available, with the average I found to be about 5 grams every day. The makers of CollaGin proudly proclaim (or rather, quietly whisper under their breath and hope the interviewer doesn’t include it in their write-up) that CollaGin contains a whopping 100 milligrams of collagen per 500ml bottle.
If you’re capable of doing simple math, you’ve already realized that you would need to drink five 500ml bottles every…fucking…day. Oddly, the creators don’t specify whether you have to drink the entire 2.5 liters of pure gin all at once or if it can be spread out throughout the day. But you do have to do it every day…for your youth!
Assumably when this gin hits shelves it will be sold in 5-gallon buckets (a week’s supply) and include an artificial liver available in 6 flirty colors!
Note: I contacted CollaGin and their response was that they never claimed to provide any health benefits and that they’re “not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes”. Which is why their social media outlets have shared many, many articles with some variation of “Anti-Aging Gin Hits Market!” without any sort of clarification.
So in the intrepid spirit of terrible and condescending marketing gimmicks, here are future product ideas for this dubious company.
Future Product Ideas for The Makers Of CollaGin
EstroGin Celebrate outliving your fertility with this gin that doubles as hormone replacement therapy! Simply drink one shot of EstroGin every 5 minutes to keep your raging menopausal symptoms at bay. Keep EstroGin in the freezer to really show those hot flashes who’s the lady boss!
AntiandroGin If you’re a Victor looking to be a Victoria, AntiandroGin is for you! Completing your journey into the fairer (and more fun!) gender has never been easier and more refreshing. Simply hook yourself up to a continuous AntiandroGin IV drip for the rest of your natural life. IV bags come in a variety of stylish designs and colors to accessorize with any outfit.
Pink Tequila We put food coloring in some shitty tequila. You know, for women! Drink 3 bottles with every meal for maximum effectiveness.
BourBone Sorry ladies, this one is for the guys! Only one BourBone brand bourbon enema administered every time you blink provides the stable erections women love. As an extra bonus, tripling the dose can reverse hair loss!
Note: I have not tried CollaGin, and it may be delicious and I’m not trying to be a hater. I’m not even opposed to marketing gimmicks in general. But this gimmick is bad and insulting and I would hope spirit entrepreneurs can do better with their product ideas.